For some reason, I’ve been feeling really nostagia-y. If I’m honest, it’s probably because big things are starting to happen in my life that are starting to make me feel really small.

I’m graduating from college in 9 weeks (NINE WEEKS!) and I feel like the last leg of this four year marathon might kill me. There’s so much to do and so little time to do it. Such is life.

I applied to grad school. That feels way too grown up for me. 

I mean, it could be worse. I could have failed out of school, I could have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, etc, etc. But I didn’t and I do. I’ve made it this far and I’ve done some great things. I’ve always known I what I wanted to do. Always. And I have to tell you, it is a rare gift to just know.

I just have to keep remembering how blessed I am and how many people around me support me so much.

But the biggest thing I have to keep telling myself, and I’m serious if I’m going to make it these next 2 months, is, YES, you can do these things. You’ve made it this far, you’ve done some great things. You’re the most amazing creature to walk the earth. And you know why?

Because you’re Ari-!%*#ing-elle.

35 Florence Street

I’ve been back in my actual home country for about 3 days now, and it just feels so right.

Getting here took upwards of grueling hours, but they were all worth it. I landed in foggy London at 11 am. A quick jaunt through immigration—with only minor trouble…I must have looked a bit wild-eyed—and I was back. An old friend met me at the arrivals gate and made me feel incredibly glamorous. I can fly halfway around the world and have men meet me at my every whim!

As England is famous for it’s overreaction to an inch of snow, I had planned for several delays, of course, of which there were none. This left me with five hours to just hang out in London (like you do). We went to a coffee shop and had a lovely lovely cup of tea like a proper Englishwoman. Finally my train arrived and I was on my way to Stoke Station.

As I settled myself on the train, I felt an overwhelming sense of familiarity, almost as if I’d never left.

I made it to the station, tired, but so happy, and was met by another old friend (I’m telling you, the British male population are my slaves) and we drove to his cute Englishy house in Newcastle. It’s a typical terraced house, with a front hallway and a tiny little garden. It makes me smile everytime I walk through it.

Being back here just makes me so happy. To be honest, I was quite nervous about coming back, and I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s because I’ve got this amazing idea about England in my head and I was afraid that being back would ruin it. I’ve built my future around the idea of coming back to England, and it was scary to think that it might not be all I remember it to be. But not to worry, because everything is wonderful.

And it puts my mind at so much ease. I’m headed in the right direction.

Something That I Already Know

Here we are, seven days and seven nights of empty tries
This ritual’s habitual and it’s never going to work this time
We’re to the point of no return and along the way the only thing we’ve learned
Is how to hurt each other

I’m looking back and wondering why it took so long to realize
That nothing’s changed, it never will
All these years of standing still
But still we stay in all this pain, and nothing’s gonna make it go away

I don’t want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you’re not in it
And we’re not what we used to be
No you wouldn’t have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
I don’t want to wait another minute
To hear something that I already know

So save your voice, don’t waste your breath
Can’t you see we’re at the end
And this goodbye feels permanent
So wish me well, try to forget all the fights
And all the ways we almost made it but we never did
Now it’s finally come to this

I don’t want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you’re not in it
And we’re not what we used to be
No you wouldn’t have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
I don’t want to wait another minute
To hear something that I already know 

We cannot hide what we’ve become
So sick and tired of being numb.
It’s done. It’s done.

I don’t want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you’re not in it
And we’re not what we used to be
No you wouldn’t have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
I don’t want to wait another minute
To hear something that I already know 

Cause I know.

—Backstreet Boys

I write this as a letter. It’s so perfect it was tailor made just for me. If I had the guts I would just play this song right at the person I have in mind but for now, this is as brave as I’m going to be.

Wise Woman of the Forest

I find it so odd that people often come to me for advice about relationships, whether it be friendships, or more oddly, romantic ones. If I had a question about physics, I wouldn’t go for advice from someone who has never studied physics before and has no science or math background whatsoever. That’s what I feel like people are doing when they come to me for the romantic lovey-dovey goo goo stuff. I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 16, and even calling it that to me seems like a bit of a stretch.

Though, it does seem like, for the most part, I come up with some pretty good stuff. Sometimes I even surprise myself with how profound or how wise I can sound. And what’s more, I find myself believing the things that I’m saying. Maybe I’ve been single long enough that I’ve been able to watch every kind of relationship and subconsciously placed myself in them and figured out what I really want. I’m so okay with being in a relationship with myself that I don’t even need somebody else to help me figure out the answers. But it would be nice.

Maybe it’s time to start taking my own advice and trust myself more because other people seem to have no problem with it.

Oh the possibilities…

Shining Examples

As I’ve grown up, everything’s gotten smaller and smaller. Cameras, phones, music players, and the world itself.

Today I was flipping through a prospectus I got in the mail for the university in England I attended during the fall semester. I remember how excited I was when I opened the package with the foreign address stamped across the weathered yellow envelope. “This came from where I’m going!” I thought to myself. I soaked in every page, scanned all the glossy faces of the students with their smiling faces and imagined myself among them, sitting and smiling on the green grass with old buildings highlighting the background.

Today, I scanned the pages from a different prospective. I have been among them, and I’ve experienced life as outlined by those pages. And today, I came across a page that had a huge picture of one of my best friends from over there. I couldn’t help but smile and laugh for a good ten minutes. How incredible is it that months before I even met this guy I was staring at his picture in this book and imagining how my life would be with him in it?

The world is such a small place nowadays that you can’t even go halfway around the world and meet someone who knows someone you know. Friends are smiling up at you from even the tiniest corners.

Seeing my friend’s face today just reminds me that maybe the world isn’t such a scary place after all.

Forget all that, is she fit?

I am finally home. The one place I feel like, after all this time, I can go to and work on me and emerge from the summer like a butterfly out of a cocoon. Of course England had the same effect but here no one is watching. I can just work on me by myself. No one else has any input. And that’s the way it should be.

On a side note, I seem to have forgotten how to do nothing, and I’m not quite sure if it’s a good or a bad thing.

This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday

Lying here in my bed after just completing my junior year of college—which, I must say, was one of the most amazing years I have ever had in my entire life—I can’t help but think that everything gets so much harder when things start going right. The struggle for the things we want is what keeps us going, keeps us trying, keeps us wanting to be better.

This year, I got to live. I got to just pack up and leave, run off to the other side of the world and see if I could make it. Not only did I make it, but I flourished. I found myself over there. I met some of the most amazing people who taught me some of the most amazing things, and I did it on my own terms. Everything I did over there I did because I wanted to. No one but me was going to decide my experience but me.

Everything went right.

Then I got back, and aside from the pangs of sadness that frequented my stomach for a while, things were different. I left at a place where it couldn’t have been better to leave. I left at a place where I needed to find myself. When I came back, people noticed the “new” me. My new confidence made people see me in a different light, a light that I had seen myself in but wasn’t “me” enough yet to shine on for others. Everything fell right into place.

Everything went right.

But now I’m lying here more torn than I’ve ever been. If everything’s going right, then what is there to work for? Not only that, but is what I want really what I want? Why can’t I just be happy that for once in my life I’m winning?

I suppose in a way all this stuff couldn’t have crashed down on me at a better time. It’s summer now, and I have all the time in the world to think about everything. Plus I’m so equipped now to do it.

Life just keeps getting better and better, and to be honest, it scares me!